Everybody’s got crazy relatives. I mean, a family just ain’t a family without the resident wacko who’s had one too many drinks in their time or just fell off the Psycho Truck and can’t hep it. I’ve got quite a few of them in my family tree. (Of course, that description fits NOBODY in this photo!)

My friend, Sherian, has a crazy cousin named Steven. Cousin Steven likes to keep in touch and a few years back while Sherian’s sister, Angie, was serving as a missionary in Africa, he kept close touch with some rather humorous emails. Sherian’s been cleaning out her email box this morning and thankfully, shared them with me. These are just random lines from various emails. I was wishing I’d have worn my Depends today after reading them.

Some of the funnier lines:

I forgot to wish you happy holidays in my last e-mail. I don’t know yet if we’re all going to get together in Pulaski or not. Our family will probably go out to eat and be done with it. I’ve been meaning to ask you, do they have beer in Africa? Ha. Ha.

I’ve been real busy here lately detailing cars and trucks at a car lot in [insert city name here]. A friend of mine works there and he’s been getting me the work. They’re not real demanding so they’re easy to please. I took Dad out to eat Thanksgiving with the money I earned. What will you eat for the holidays, “rump roast of hippo?” Ha. Ha. That was a good one wasn’t it?

I know I brag somewhat but I’m really good at house cleaning.

I’m glad you lived through the stampede. I imagine it was pretty scary not knowing what the situation was. Pretty funny though. I had a big argument at the convenience site on Shelbyville RD recently with two old goats (men)!

As far as the people go who have vices that interfere with them providing for their families, try to encourage them to try to be functional as possible. I drink too much but when there is work, I go for it. Plus I give Dad at least half of my earnings so I won’t blow it all.

One draw back! I rode with a rap music loving redneck! My little nephew Chris, Donald’s boy. I told him before I got in the truck that I wanted to drive slow and to keep the radio down. Just the opposite. I had such a headache that when I was a few miles from home I told him to stop so I could get out and I walked the rest of the way home. He was so disrespectful. I don’t think I’ll ever get in the truck with him again. I think he was intentionally annoying. It was that aggravating. Are you goin to preach when you get home or go into education?

***This one’s my favorite**** Hey Angie! I think you’re beginning to work on me with your religious work. Keep it up and maybe I’ll be able to hold my head up higher and prouder some day. Even though I’m feeling better about myself more and more these days. After all, I haven’t been before the local judge in years. Good boy Steven. I got distracted. My cat was playing these wind chimes I have hanging from a wall light in the dining room. I may have a 35 ft motor home to detail soon.

On the lighter side now. You won’t believe what happened recently. No one had seen this elderly neighbor of ours for a while and I had been trying to call her for a week to no avail. Well anyway, I called the police and they kicked in her front door and the odor was so bad we thought she was in there dead. What we found though was a really stinking, nasty, house with garbage strewn all about. The police called human services and they came out and condemned her house. We found out she was in the hospital the whole time. For some strange reason, she didn’t think it was anyone’s business in the neighborhood to know she was in the hospital. The Department of Human Services got in touch with her son and told him that since he allowed his mother to live in such filth they would give him the job of cleaning the house out and up. So far he has hauled off at least four truck loads of trash out of the house. He has yet to begin cleaning the house on the inside! They’re both made at me for right now but when she is allowed to move back in and she sees the difference they will probably realize that I was sincerely concerned about her wellbeing.

Picked up your latest e-mail today (9/3/02) and was trying to sneak a peek reading it while driving home, but I was all over the road and this cop was in front of me looking back. So I put it down and waited until I got home to read it.

Something to tell you. I was helping this city police officer down the road clean out his storage barn and he and I hauled his garbage to the convenience site out in the county. There’s this stop sign that nobody ever stops for unless something is coming so I just went through it like it wasn’t there. He asked what the sign back there said and I looked at him kinda funny and said it said stop and just kept on driving. It’s a hundred and fifteen dollar ticket. And I said well there are no police around and I don’t stop at them if it’s clear. Well we unloaded the garbage and coming back I went through it again. I looked at him and said well I’ve saved $230 today. pretty good ain’t it. He just shook his head and tightened his seat belt. My driving is pretty bad. I used to smoke that pot hot and heavy when I was younger and it might have slightly altered a few noggin cells. [You think??!?] But I’ll live to tell I did so what the heck. Are you go to be able to have a Christmas tree of any kind this Christmas? I haven’t seen anything in your pictures that resembled anything like that.

Tell all of your new friends in Africa we’re thinking of them. I’ve got some trees to cut up back in the field.
Love, Steven

About these ads