Archive for July 7th, 2006

I Did The Mash

I am fittin’ to tell the story of the Big Mash so if you’re one of the men in my life who is not interested in hearing such a tale, I’m giving you the option to click out. I don’t think any of my male family members read this other than Cousin Terry and Mr. Smiff occasionally pops in oh and My Non-Pickin’ and Grinnin’ Brother In Law the Engineer…oh boy, more than I thought. The Gentleman Formerly Known As My Boss is known to get his Whiff and maybe a few other fellers. Just click one of my links and go on and read something political or something. I’ll wait.

Whistling a little tune here….pick whichever is your favorite thing to whistle…..

Da da deeee…………..

They gone? Good.

I pulled up to the place and nearly turned around and went back home. I circled around the building. I couldn’t not go. No. My Aunt Junie, if she were still around woulda kicked my ass. See, Junie, who dropped her life for two weeks and came when I was born, was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was in her early 40’s. She was misdiagnosed for I don’t know how long, told she had a pulled muscle because she was the athletic type. They didn’t have mammograms back in 1970. If they had, she might not have died at 50 years old. So I decided I’d be a Big Girl and trot on in.

I must apologize to the lady who checked me in and apparently, was having a birthday. She had her nice balloon and I was not my usual cutting up, retard self. Every question she asked, all I said was “Mmmhmmm” or “Nope.” She wanted to put a little bracelet on me and I actually said “Oh great!” somewhat sarcastically. Sorry, Lady. I bet you hate people like me. What a brat.

Out comes the Tech Girl and of COURSE, Tech Girl is this cuter-than-cute, most likely a former college cheerleader who I bet you money teaches a spinning class somewhere. She had the perfect “I-Work-Out-And-You-Don’t-You-Big-Ol-Thang-That-I-Have-To-Touch-Your-Breasteses” neck. I bet she can still do a back handspring. I hated her from the git go.

“How are yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew?” I’m scared shitless of getting this thing done cause I’m a semi-hypochondriac, Pollyanna. I didn’t really say that but I told her flat out I was skeered. “Ohhhhhhhhh….that’s alriiiiight. Is this your first oooooooooone?” in her best cheerleader we -got -spirit -yes we -do voice.

So we go into the Breasteses Room and she sticks something on my, um, parts. (Aunt B would go to town describing it and use much more colorful words than I but I’m not as brave and worried about those one or two dudes I know from work or wherever who are still with us and want to be able to face) I do my little photo shoot (I swear, I thought Tech Girl was going to say “Ready? OK!” I didn’t really pay any attention to her because I’m babbling about how friggin scared I am. I bet she wanted to tell me to hush up my yapping so she could do her job. Really, the actual pitcher taking was not bad at all. It is a little odd to have “Most School Spirited” chick-handling the Girls and I even said to her “Man, I’m glad I don’t have YOUR job.” I couldn’t do that all day long. I suppose it’s like me messing with a computer all the day. She tells me to go on back but wait til the films are developed before I change.

Pollyanna returned and said “Your all se-eeet. I’m just a technician but I didn’t see anything that jumped out at me. I don’t want you worrying til you get the results.” Bad Sista Smiff for being so ugly about Ms. Fitness of Tennessee. She was really sweet. Damn her.

The worst part of the whole experience was when I went to change and I forgot about those things she stuck on my stuff before. I’ll just call them “Surgical Pasties”. I thought about leaving them on because I knew that was gonna smart ripping those babies off. So, I just 1-2-3 ripped them and that was the most painful part of the whole thing. Dang. No wonder I hated breast feeding and did it for about 5 minutes.

Now, we can only hope to get such a full report from Chris and Short and Fat when they get their prostates checked.


I Don’t Wanna

I REALLY don’t want to do this mammogram thing. I’m a nervous wreck, sitting here thinking “I’ll just skip it and do it next year” but I know I can’t do that cause that would make me a ninny and will make it extra harder next year when it rolls around.

I’m not scared of the actual procedure itself, of it being uncomfortable or painful (hell no-I pushed out a nearly 10 lb baby without the benefit of as much as an Advil, my pain tolerance is high). I think it’s more of an age thing and the fear of “What if there’s something in there?” Seeing Sheryl Crow on Good Morning America this morning talk about her whole cancer thing has not helped my nerves. My dad died of prostate cancer, which some studies have linked to breast cancer; his brother died of brain cancer; his sister died at 50 of breast cancer and then their mother’s entire family died of one form of cancer or another. I think that’s the part that’s messing with my head so bad.

It’s my Inner Hypochondriac talking. The same one that talked to me a couple years back when the doctor told me I had a heart murmur and wanted me to have an echocardiogram. For a week, I convinced myself I would need to have my valves replaced and visions of Lewis Grizzard danced in my head. When I had the Echo done, the stupid nurse waxed on and off about how SHE had had cancer, blah, blah SHUT UP DON’T TELL ME ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW WHEN I’M FACING CERTAIN VALVE REPLACEMENT YOU MORON!! Oh, I was sure I could never have dental work again because if I did, I would get some sort of infection, because of my heart murmur and I would be one of those sad stories you read about in Guideposts or some nonsense like that.

I’m still not even convinced I have a murmur anyway. I’ve had two surgeries, three children, plenty of opportunities to have one picked up or heard by then and I don’t even as much as have to take an antibiotic when I go to the dentist. I think the doctor wanted a little more cash in his pocket and got some sort of sadistic enjoyment about making me a nervous wreck.

I’m being a baby, I know.

A Rare Night on the Town

It’s so odd that I would have one evening outing on any given day, but, to have 2 of them occur in one day is really unusual and even more so, that it worked out that I was able to attend both events made me really happy and have to take back my usual whine of “I never get to go anywhere.”

Mr. Smiff and his bunch were playing at Bluegrass Night at the Ryman, directly caddy-cornered to Wolfy’s where this big Blog Get-togetha was happening. I got all my passes from the Ryman and checked out the scenery and saw actor David Keith (remember him? He killed himself in An Officer and A Gentleman) milling around. I did see Vince Gill and band (including Mike Bub, Dan Tyminski, Michael Cleveland, Jeff White, and the fabulous Charlie Cushman warm up and met some really nice fans from Jonesboro, TN. Said howdy to Grascal Dave Talbot and his wife, my friend Myrna before commencing to Wolfy’s.

I made my way to Wolfy’s and the first person I bumped into and rode the elevator with was Katherine Coble and her Other Half. (Disclaimer-I know I’m going to forget somebody. Part of it was half being in awe of
being in the company of these talented blogger types and the other was I was out of the house at an adult gathering and not once did I have to tell a young person to “Stop it!” or “Watch that smart mouth, Young Lady” or be told by an adolescent that I was embarrassing them.)

Let’s see, we had us some Aunt B, who I had the pleasure of meeting a couple weeks back, Kathy T. (who I recognized immediately and much to my delight did her “thumbs up” just like she has on her blog picture) the smilin’ CLC showed up with his purty tie and sweet spirit; Kerry Woo, Chris Wage, Rex L. Camino, I did see Sarcastro across the crowded room, but, never got the chance to say hey to him, my fellow-former- Franklin Rebel Jag, a Pea-less and very sweet Shauna, my girl Busy Mom and the perfect postured and beautiful Lindsay Ferrier; the short and precious Short and Fat; How fun it was to see my new, but feels like old, friends Newscoma and Squirrels on Snark, who made the drive from the happening metropolis of Dresden for the occasion (thanks for the t-shirt); News2VJ Todd Dunn, Mista Kleinheider (who knew he was so dang cute?), DorkNation; Everybody’s Girl Brittney and the Boyfriend were both a delight to meet.

The biggest and funnest surprise of the whole shebang was when Web of Webslog showed up. I’ve seen this blog before and did not know this was the Web, formerly of Franklin High School in the days were both of us proudly wore our maroon and white polyester band uniforms and I can confess here and now, the Web I had a tiny crush on way back when. (There, I admit it!) The world is small and he’s even worked with Mr. Smiff in his professional life and he gave me some good updates on some of our classmates. We also compared notes on parenting sons with ADHD and it was pretty surreal. He has not changed one iota since 1986. Great to see him.

I did finally head back to the Ryman and walked in when Mr. Smiff and them had about 3 songs left in the set. I’m told I missed a thunderous applause moment for my husband, but, it probably wouldn’t have happened had I been there so it’s probably good I was doing the Blog Schmooze. I was quite pleased to see them get a rather loud, enthusiastic encore.

During intermission, I not only accidentally bumped into Amy Grant’s most likely very expensive purse, and my old friend Shawn Camp and his girlfriend, Carla, but, I also ran into Sara Clark, who I missed at Wolfy’s. I also got to see my pal Bob and his lovely and charming lady friend, Miz Margie. You want to see something cute….a couple of 70 year olds courtin’ at the Ryman Auditorium at Bluegrass Night.

The auditorium was so stinkin’ hot and crowded, I sat through one song of Mista Gill’s. Love Vince, but, not enough to sit that long and be hot and claustrophobic. From what I heard Mr. Gill was in rare form and was using some uncharacteristically colorful language and apparently, because he’s Vince Gill and can, did every song he knows. It went on forever! By the time Mr. Smiff and crew finally finished greeting their public and he got all his stuff together, it was midnight before we got home.

Whew…big time all around. I knew this would be long and I’d better get it on here early before the kids overtook the computer.