I swear….there’s a reason I don’t like to handle stuff like insurance claims, especially when said insurance company won’t pay the claim. I’m non-confrontational, except when I’m confrontational. When I’m confrontational, I tend to get kindly nasty and then I feel guilty. I’m thinking it’s the Baptist Girl in me. The nice, mannerly, gal that I am on one side of my personality and then there’s the Sybil side of me.

One time, when me and Mr. Smiff had only been married a short while, he and I went and ate with the guy that was managing him and his brother (when they had a record deal and stuff). This ol guy was a former New York attorney who had managed Dr. Hook back in the day. Talk about confrontational….whoooo boy. He is a great guy but picture a little Jewish, Mr. Spaceley from the Jetsons kinda guy…he was intimidating and for some reason, brought out the language-unbecoming-a-good-Baptist-girl in me. I don’t remember how it all commenced and what led to me hollering at him to F@$k himself in the middle of that restaurant…oh crap y’all…what was it called….that vegetarian kinda place there that was there by 18th and Broadway. The Slice of Life! Yeah, that’s it. Course, the New York Guy didn’t think a thing of it but I was so upset about the whole thing. Why in the world did I do that?!?!?! Visions of my 3rd grade Sunday School teacher, Mrs. Luella Rodgers, singing about all thangs bright and beautiful came into my mind and I was plunged into an abyss of guilt for months. (Do remember I was 21 years old at the time.)

Anyway, Mr. Smiff has just turned 46 and his eyesight is not what it was. The old guy has to use his drugstore glasses for just about everything. We went to eat last night and the Daughter asked “Dad, why do you still have your glasses on?” He has to have them on to eat! He said his food gets “blurry”. It’s a scream. He carries the Drugstore Glasses everywhere he goes and attaches them to his shirt. As you can imagine, this practice is hard on the Drugstore Glasses and 9 times out of 10 if you see him with Drugstore Glasses on, one of the ear things is missing.

I’ve been tellling Mr. Smiff to get him some real glasses for the longest time. His mother finally said she’d get him some glasses for his birthday. An eye exam is covered by our insurance company. Perfect.

I even called the fine folks at CIGNA and said “Hey, what’s the procedure for getting an eye exam paid for for my Old Man?” They tell me to go to such and such website, find a doctor and that was all there was to it. Should’ve been easy, right? Heh. No.

We get a love note in the mail from CIGNA (don’t forget that) saying that they wouldn’t pay the claim for Mr. Smiff’s eye exam. Glory be. I called them just now to find out all the where’s and whys. The girl on the phone starts throwing around all this insurance lingo like “VSP” and some other initial thing. I told her I knew nothing of what she spoke. I said it pretty much like this….

SS: Why do y’all do stuff like this? I mean, I called and one of your people told me what to do and I did what they said. This is so irritating.
SS: I don’t know what you’re talking about. [Face starts burning-temperature rising]

SS: YOU ALL SUCK!!!!!- click

I hope they got that on tape that they suck.

How’s that for class? Grace? I’m a walking, talking Emily Posteses aren’t I? My co-worker girls got a rather large kick out of my phone call. They erupted into laughter when I got off the phone and then I hear a strange, male voice say “Wow…it’s funner on this floor than on mine.” Oh great…it’s probably the Big Boss Man. Nah…just another guy.

Anytime y’all need me to step in and help you handle business….you just give me a call.