My second Lab experience left me feeling a little like the first one.  The good thing is, I didn’t feel quite so DUH in it.  We had our first quiz and we did an experiment on finding the starches, glucose and something else (can’t remember…just on my first cup of coffee) in certain foods.  My food was bananas.  It was positive for one and negative for the other.   I am hopeful that by next week or the week after, the Lab thing won’t be as intimidating to me. 

I like the lectures best.  We went over 8 of the Organ Systems and it’s really exciting to hear how it all goes together.  Even more exciting is when the teacher asks the class a question (looking for an out loud answer) and you can give the right one.  Funny, I got answer “Iris Diaprhagm” right in the Lab review but when we took the quiz, could not remember the word “Diaprahgm” to save my life.  I did remember “Parfocal”, Epithelial and squamos though.

I learned yesterday that Psychiatrists are so different than Counselor types in this way….they say hardly anything.  This guy interviewed me for about an hour, asking about this and that in my life, no reacting and just as I’m beginning to think “Maybe I DON’T have ADD” he says “I think we can get you some help and your life will change drastically.”  Interesting. 

 He asked me what I’ve done through my life to deal with this or that part of the whole thing and my answer was “I’ve built my own coping mechanisms.”  He didn’t really respond or react to much I said, but, when he asked me if I ever had any suicidal thoughts when I was a teenager and I said I thought about it but never made any attempt to.  I told him that I stopped having any thought of suicide when one day when I was probably 15, it hit me that you can commit suicide and people would be sad and say “I should’ve done this or that” but then, they’d get on with their business and you’d be an old memory put way back on a shelf that they’d see when they dust once every couple years.”  He laughed and said “That’s a sobering thought isn’t it?”  He asked if any of my family members have or had any psychiatric issues.  Heh. “Who, MY family?  Whatever makes you think, Doctor, that I would come from a line of people who are prone to addiction and psychiatric illness?”  I know he asks everybody that, but, it still makes me giggle.  I told my mother this and she said “Did you tell him about me?”  One thing about my family is we can laugh at our infirmities and we do often.  Yet another one of my coping mechanisms.

What made me finally decide it was time to move and do something about this?  Several things….I knew going to school and getting into the nursing profession would require it.  You can’t be trying to figure out what medicines to put in an IV and notice what somebody’s wearing or start chatting about the state of country music today and how crappy it is.  It might cause a careless mistake, resulting in something very bad for a potential patient…that sorta thing, you know?  Focus and concentration will be essential for me to complete my education.  I was lacking that when I was in junior high and high school.  I thought that there was something terribly wrong with me because I didn’t want to struggle to get a D, yet, I knew I wasn’t stupid.  If you have a photographic memory and you quit school, and the general feeling that you aren’t all you could be but you have no clue what to do about it…you know there is something wrong.   

I’ve talked with numerous people, adults who have said finally stepping out and getting help changed their lives in huge ways was a big encouragement to me.

 ALso,  with #2 having the issues he does, he needs organizational structure in the worst sort of way.  I can’t help him very good or be the best mom I can be to him, without giving him better structure.  He even told his teacher last week, “But you don’t understand what my house is like!” One of  the BIG kickers  of the whole thing is having my daughter say to my face that I’m lazy.  I don’t want her to think I am because I am not.  I want to be able to do the simplest of things that normal people do.  I don’t want to have any utilities disconnected ever again because somebody didn’t pay the bill.  Not necessarily cause the money wasn’t there, y’see.  I don’t want to have to call my sister and ask how in the world you organize a kitchen cabinet because it’s such an abstract concept to me.  I want to be able to run my home like a normal person and not feel like a total failure cause I am not able to process the simplest of steps in accomplishing that. 

  I almost feel like that after 25 years, today is going to be my sort of Independence Day. Or at least the beginning of it. 

Advertisements