Archive for December 17th, 2007

Christmas Shoes Are Wrong

I try not to tell untruths here.  I try.  However, I told a lie the other day when I said there was not a Christmas song I didn’t like.

I heard one last night and I swear to Bing Crosby….it is probably the most hideous Christmas song ever. It sounded sorta like Vanessa Williams (whose singing I really dig) singing it, but, it may not have been.  Something about “come sit here by the fire with me and have a cup of Christmas tea.”  Say what?  It’s painful.  I can’t imagine Bing or even Andy singing such crap.  That is because they wouldn’t. 

**Disclaimer….if this song touches your heart like no other, do accept sincere apologies from your Sista. It did not move me so much.

I don’t know that the Christmas tea song is half as bad as “Christmas Shoes” though.  That song makes me want to projectile vomit.  I HATE that song.  I mean, I hate it. Hate. It.  I know somebody out there’s saying “She hates ‘Christmas Shoes’ but loves ‘Same Old Lang Syne?'” 

Christmas Shoes….ok…there was this psycho that used to go to my church and we called him “The Amen Guy”.  The guy would holler Amen after everything.  You could say “I’ve got hemorroids the size of Cleveland” or “My ass carbuncle is hurting me” and he’d just Amen it.  Now, I’m known to say an Amen here and there but only if there’s a reason for it.  Some people Amen during church just cause they want to hear theyselves talk.

One Christmas Eve, somebody sang this horrendous piece of schlop.  There are praise and worship songs that you raise your hands to but Christmas Shoes is not one of them.  Amen Guy, of course, ended up sitting next to us and all through that dumb song, he was raising his hands and swaying back and forth.  It was wrong, I tell you. Wrawng.  Me and the Holy Tara didn’t even try to not laugh.  What was the point?  It was rich. 

I went to the dentist today to have my teeth cleaned.  I was feeling good about myself cause I haven’t had any sensitivities or nothing like that, found my retainer, my teefuses are good.  Wrong!  Dr. G. said to the hygienist, “Let’s watch 14.”  I said “Lookie here, Pal….I don’t want any more crowns.”  He informed me that the tooth was already crowned and now it (I guess “it” is the teef funk that has taken up residence in my pie-hole) It is going into the root.  Praise!  That means 2008 will be the year of another Root Canal.  I’m so blessed. 

I had one Root Canal in 2001.  I went to Dr. G. (he has been my dentist now for over ten years.  He is good people) and he was going to do a crown.  He numbed me up, started drilling and hello!  I could still feel it.  He shot me up with more numb stuff, and started drilling again.  Was still feelin’ it.  He repeated this process a couple more times.  Still could feel the drill.

Dr. G. sent me down the street to Dr. K. the endodontist for a root canal.  I was scared to death.  Something about drilling a tooth and feeling it will make you a little jumpy.  Knowing I get to have another Root Canal this next year is enough to make me shout Ho Ho Ho.  Bleh.

Hey Purty Mama

2115381843_04518c864d.jpgI took #2 to get his haircut the other evening.  He was in a really, really bad mood when we go to the haircut place.  It’s a little uncharacteristic of him to be so grouchy.  He was being smartalecky to the girl cutting his hair. I was a mite embarrassed at my normally sweet kids’ rather un-Christmasy attitude and rudness to a grown up.  I jumped all over him.

The girl cutting his hair, Lindsay, she’s a doll.  She has a real thick Southern accent and she said to #2 “If you aren’t good, Santa’s gonna leave a big ol’ piece of doo doo in your stocking.”  I thought me and the Holy Tara were going to fall right on out.  #2 was trying not to laugh cause, you know, he was pissed.  Perhaps it was a Guess You Had To Be There kinda funny. He was killing me.

2116160720_478991e301.jpgHe was irritated cause he said he didn’t like his hair short.  Well, when it was longer, I reminded him, it had to be brushed and he’s not so fond of that either.  Seems he is interested in cultivating this sort of look for himselfbravo.jpg.  That is no lie.  He has asked for black tshirts, black shoes, and a year’s supply of hair gel for Christmas.

On another slightly humorous note, the Manchild has discovered his online pseduonym that I gave him here.  He digs it.  I hope he doesn’t get after me for that not being his given name like he did when he was little and he asked me why we didn’t name him “Rocky” like the Power Ranger.  Heh.