I went to Baptist today to do my Pre-Op stuff for my upcoming Endozapectomy next week. I was not the least bit nervous about the whole procedure thing until they started going over the list of things that could possibly happen to me whilst I’m out. Especially the part about “waking during surgery” and maybe it was just me, but, the lady seemed to have a spooky echo to her voice when she said “EVEN DEATH.”

This is something new since I last had surgery about 8 years ago….they gave me this bottle of stuff called Chlorexidine Gluconate. Sounds awfully tantalizing doesn’t it? You can’t get this stuff at Bath & Body Works, friends and neighbors. I know they’re worried about germs and all that but there is something about them saying “Here..take this bottle and bathe in it” that makes me feel like Karen Silkwood.

Remember that scene in Silkwood where she goes through the plutonium detector and it goes off and they haul her to the shower and start scrubbing her with a metal brush?

Baptist also doesn’t want you wearing any makeup, nail polish nothing when you come to them for surgery. Now, when I had my Septoplasty in 2000, I went in there with my long, red, nails and the last thing I remember Tom Holzen saying to me before they sent me out was “Look at those red nails!” To me, a septoplasty is lots more dangerous than having what I’m having done. This was at Southern Hills. If I remember correctly, that surgery pre-op appointment, I don’t even think they took blood.

They said they would give me a pregnancy test the morning of the procedure. Now that right there is a frightful thought. If anybody would go to the hospital to have something like this done, only to find out they were knocked up, it would be me. Thankfully, Mr. Smiff has been de-virilized.

Rest assured, my friends, if I were to find out something like that had occurred, you would see Dan Miller open up the evening news with “A Hendersonville woman is being held without bond in the local jail for allegedly attempting to strangle the urologist who performed her husband’s vasectomy in 1998.  Apparently, the procedure failed.”

I didn’t realize at the time how icky and yucky nose surgery is. I don’t know that I’d do it again. I saw them do one one time on the Discovery Channel. Alls I can say for that is eww. That’s up close to your brain and stuff.

I was slightly annoyed and amused at the nurse who was taking all my info and health history. She kept turning it around on herself. Hello? This is about me here. I don’t care how long you’ve taken Prozac or that you have had anxiety and depression all your life. Congratulations and God bless you for that.

Oh and she asked me how long I had had this problem and was this why I was anemic. I told her it had been going on for years. “Well, why are you just now getting it taken care of?” BECAUSE, the dumb ass doctor I went to made it seem like it was a normal thing and I was just going to have to live with it. (Please note, it was a FEMALE doctor who told me that).

She also told me I should exercise to go along with my “weight loss program.” What weight loss program? I’ve lost 20 something lbs but it ain’t been no program. “Exercise will make you lose weight quicker”. Is that so? I did not know that. I would’ve never dreamed more activity would help with calorie burning, thus resulting in lost pounds. What a concept. Oh and yes, I did just fall out of a turnip truck on the way over here. I’m so glad I met you today because I’ve been roaming around the planet now for almost 39 years and that’s a new one for me!

Wonder if they’d ever know if I didn’t take the Karen Silkwood Shower that morning? My luck, I’d contract some sorta Streptococcus-Cryptosporidium-VRE-MRSA disease and have my picture in all the medical journals.

I will be glad when this mess is over. It sho nuff better make your Sista’s hematocrit mo bettah.

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