Everything on me aches today. I wish I could explain why, but, I can’t. It just does. I wish I could’ve gone and done a run today but brilliant me went off and left my running shoes at work. Something about running and sweating, helps sweat out more than just water…if ya know what I mean. I wish I could do that today. It would help.
Then again, maybe I don’t need to sweat away the thing that’s making me ache. Maybe I just need to deal with it and quit trying to run away from it? If it is ok to hurt and ok to cry, why then, am I so afraid to do both of those?
We all have our things we use to mask what’s really going on. I never was one to drink or do drugs. In one way, I’m probably one of the most transparent people you’ll ever meet, but, then in another way, I’m good at masquerading. It’s not an intentional thing. We use whatever survival mechanisms work for us, I reckon. My tendency is to use humor, laughter, peppyness.
I remember some point after my dad had died, within that first year, I had been having these terrible panic attacks. I ended up at a therapist’s office and she could see that the source of my anxiety was unexpressed grief. I told her I felt like I was going to die.
I will never forget her saying, as I was about to burst forth, “It hurts right here, doesn’t it?” And she pointed to her throat. It did! It felt like I was choking to death or that I could. She said “You’re afraid you won’t survive the grief.”
That’s sorta how I feel right now. But, I will survive it.
I have some sides that are leaning and need to be propped back up. Maybe they need nailing. Or Super Gluing.