Archive for April 12th, 2008

All The Kings Horses, Men, Etc. Etc….

Everything on me aches today.  I wish I could explain why, but, I can’t.  It just does.  I wish I could’ve gone and done a run today but brilliant me went off and left my running shoes at work.  Something about running and sweating, helps sweat out more than just water…if ya know what I mean.  I wish I could do that today.  It would help. 

Then again, maybe I don’t need to sweat away the thing that’s making me ache.  Maybe I just need to deal with it and quit trying to run away from it?   If it is ok to hurt and ok to cry, why then, am I so afraid to do both of those?

We all have our things we use to mask what’s really going on.  I never was one to drink or do drugs.  In one way, I’m probably one of the most transparent people you’ll ever meet, but, then in another way, I’m good at masquerading.  It’s not an intentional thing.  We use whatever survival mechanisms work for us, I reckon.  My tendency is to use humor, laughter, peppyness. 

I remember some point after my dad had died, within that first year, I had been having these terrible panic attacks.  I ended up at a therapist’s office and she could see that the source of my anxiety was unexpressed grief. I told her I felt like I was going to die. 

 I will never forget her saying, as I was about to burst forth, “It hurts right here, doesn’t it?” And she pointed to her throat.  It did!  It felt like I was choking to death or that I could.  She said “You’re afraid you won’t survive the grief.”

That’s sorta how I feel right now.  But, I will survive it.

I have some sides that are leaning and need to be propped back up.  Maybe they need nailing.  Or Super Gluing. 





Diggity Dig

Let’s take a trip back in time in the Sista Time Machine, shall we?

I can’t believe I’ve never shown this here.  This is pretty hilarious.  My moment in the sun from 30 years ago.  (Yikes)

The occasion was the groundbreaking of Forest Hills Baptist Church.  I got to do the big first dig cause I had been baptized that morning.  I just blended right in with these Baptist dudes, didn’t I?  Which one of these doesn’t belong???  HAHAHAHAHAHA….there’s Bill Sherman; my pastor when I was growing up, Bro. Lloyd Lawrence and those other guys….and 9 year old Sista. (The same age as #2 is now)

What I remember most about this day was being about halfway embarrassed and not having the slightest clue what/where/why I got to hold the Golden Shovel.  Still, it’s a kinda neat memory.




I’m wondering if perhaps a hysterectomy is in my future?  I had that little procedure done back in January and up until a few weeks ago, it was working like a charm.  Not so much now.  I go back next month to see Dr. McDreamy anyway.

The night before I had the ablation, I asked my friend, a retired OB/GYN, Dr. Mike, what he thought of that whole thing. His answer to me?  “I think it’s ‘piddlin’ GYN’.  You’ll probably end up with a hysterectomy anyway.” 

I don’t need my uterus and stuff no more anyway.  Maybe I can have it bronzed?