Posts from the ‘Church’ Category

Christmas Shoes Are Wrong

I try not to tell untruths here.  I try.  However, I told a lie the other day when I said there was not a Christmas song I didn’t like.

I heard one last night and I swear to Bing Crosby….it is probably the most hideous Christmas song ever. It sounded sorta like Vanessa Williams (whose singing I really dig) singing it, but, it may not have been.  Something about “come sit here by the fire with me and have a cup of Christmas tea.”  Say what?  It’s painful.  I can’t imagine Bing or even Andy singing such crap.  That is because they wouldn’t. 

**Disclaimer….if this song touches your heart like no other, do accept sincere apologies from your Sista. It did not move me so much.

I don’t know that the Christmas tea song is half as bad as “Christmas Shoes” though.  That song makes me want to projectile vomit.  I HATE that song.  I mean, I hate it. Hate. It.  I know somebody out there’s saying “She hates ‘Christmas Shoes’ but loves ‘Same Old Lang Syne?'” 

Christmas Shoes….ok…there was this psycho that used to go to my church and we called him “The Amen Guy”.  The guy would holler Amen after everything.  You could say “I’ve got hemorroids the size of Cleveland” or “My ass carbuncle is hurting me” and he’d just Amen it.  Now, I’m known to say an Amen here and there but only if there’s a reason for it.  Some people Amen during church just cause they want to hear theyselves talk.

One Christmas Eve, somebody sang this horrendous piece of schlop.  There are praise and worship songs that you raise your hands to but Christmas Shoes is not one of them.  Amen Guy, of course, ended up sitting next to us and all through that dumb song, he was raising his hands and swaying back and forth.  It was wrong, I tell you. Wrawng.  Me and the Holy Tara didn’t even try to not laugh.  What was the point?  It was rich. 

I went to the dentist today to have my teeth cleaned.  I was feeling good about myself cause I haven’t had any sensitivities or nothing like that, found my retainer, my teefuses are good.  Wrong!  Dr. G. said to the hygienist, “Let’s watch 14.”  I said “Lookie here, Pal….I don’t want any more crowns.”  He informed me that the tooth was already crowned and now it (I guess “it” is the teef funk that has taken up residence in my pie-hole) It is going into the root.  Praise!  That means 2008 will be the year of another Root Canal.  I’m so blessed. 

I had one Root Canal in 2001.  I went to Dr. G. (he has been my dentist now for over ten years.  He is good people) and he was going to do a crown.  He numbed me up, started drilling and hello!  I could still feel it.  He shot me up with more numb stuff, and started drilling again.  Was still feelin’ it.  He repeated this process a couple more times.  Still could feel the drill.

Dr. G. sent me down the street to Dr. K. the endodontist for a root canal.  I was scared to death.  Something about drilling a tooth and feeling it will make you a little jumpy.  Knowing I get to have another Root Canal this next year is enough to make me shout Ho Ho Ho.  Bleh.

Bug Bites

Well…I think it’s safe to say that the two eldest Smiff Kids have been officially bitten by the Bug.  You know what Bug I’m talking about.  The Bug that bit their Daddy many years ago.  It bit me, but, I was too scared to scratch the itch, so to speak.

First, the Holy Tara, who had filled in for the girl who was supposed to do the solo with the kids, did the solo in the performance.  Katie, the girl who was to have done it originally, is a veteran performer.  She’s worked professionally on recordings and other things since she was a wee girl.  That Katie, when she heard that Tara did the solo so well, told her she should do it.  I thought that was pretty wonderful and selfless of Katie. 

Tara sounded even better last night than she did at rehearsal Saturday.  I had already done my initial boo-hoos at rehearsal.  This was the first time Mr. Smiff had heard it.  Both of her grandmothers were present and both grandmothers were appropriately taken and awed by their grandaughter as were her Uncle and Aunt.  I so wish her Knoxville Aunt and Uncle could’ve been there to hear her. 

Now, I don’t know for sure, because I was not sitting right next to him when the Holy Tara graced the microphone, but, I was a little concerned that it might totally get away with him and him not be able to do his bass thing.  He’s a pro and continued on, proud Daddy he was.

The premise of this presentation was based on “A Prairie Home Companion.”  My friend (and now pastor!) Matt Tullos wrote the thing and it was executed beautifully by some very talented people….props to Loren, Aaron, Hope, Duane, Ben, Rachel, and Skeeter.  It was very loose and very fun.  Not your standard, stuffy, Christmas “cantata”.

I was pretty tickled to be able to be part of the Drummer Boy with Janice and Holly.  Holly is a Junior in High school and a very talented young lady.  I taught her in Sunday School when she was in kindergarten and I have a neat connection with her family.

Before Holly’s dad was married to Janice, long ago he was married to another lady and had two girls.  His daughter, Kelly, was my good friend in 3rd and 4th grade.  I used to spend the night at their house.  Wild we ended up in the same church on the other end of town so many years later.

It really was a thrill and a blessing to play with Mr. Smiff and two of our kids.  The Manchild did a bang up job on his guitar break and it was pretty meaningful to all of us.  I hope we get to do it again.

I made an attempt to have it videoed.  My camera….was working fine Saturday.  I went to use it yesterday and the LCD screen was very faint and the video I had somebody do came out as “file error”.  I remembered why and how I ruined this camera.  I ain’t telling. Somebody videoed it and hopefully we’ll be able to have a copy.

There Is A Fountain


Me and this girl named Jana were supposed to sing this song this morning at church. I have been listening to it for a week or so and was feeling pretty good about throwing my part in. It’s a beautiful song.

Jana’s a really good singer and she knows Selah stuff really well so I didn’t give it much thought that we hadn’t had any time to rehearse. I had downloaded the music from Digital Download but never could get it printed. Everywhere I tried to print it (Kinko’s, church) access to Active X control was denied. (Printer at home doesn’t work). No problemo, Kathy the pianist had the Selah book this song was in.

(This is where it turns into Lucy and Ethel Sing a Song at Church.)

Kathy had her husband bring the book with him this morning. We get the book, turn to page 45 and there’s no song. Somebody removed the song for whatever reason. Me, Jana, Kathy and this girl named Melissa did a mad search around the choir room for the music. Craig had his violin ready. I commenced to having a mini-hotflash but I was determined not to get all wigged out and upset. Poor Kathy was feeling bad, like it was her fault.

We tried to improvise without the music, but, Kathy wasn’t comfortable so we decided to do another song in the book. We ran through it once or twice and amazingly, it came out really nice. All of this commenced within less than hour but we pulled it off.

This is what we sang instead.