Posts from the ‘Just Plain Funny’ Category

FGF: Yodel-ay-heeeeeeee

I’m back to where I look forward to Fridays and it sho do feel good. I hope you feel good this Friday.

Humor me here…I LOVE this song.  I can’t help it.  It’s on my Ipod with the incomparable Mary Martin rendering it, but, alas…no You Tube video could I find of her singing it so  I suppose the adorable Lennon Sisters, though dressed ridiculously here, are just cuter than bugs in a rug and dang if them girls didn’t nail that harmony!

And while I was hunting down the Lonely Goatherd, oh my sweet precious Lord Jesus…I found this…

I about wet my pants laughing over this one. Mr. Welk called it a “modern spiritual.” Heh. It was spiritual, alright.

Big Ol’ Hearts Daincin’ In Our Eyes

Since it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I want to dedicate my Feel Good Friday submission to all those happy couples out there. What better way to do it than with John Prine and Iris Dement singing “In Spite of Ourselves.” It’s a very warm, tender song…..heh heh. Hilarious.

Feel Good Friday- Make ‘Em Laugh

I have been in something of a drug induced fog the last couple days on what my Former Mother in Law calls “Michael English Pills”. Dadgum. It’s no wonder people write fake perscriptions for those things.  It’s not so much that they make you feel good, they just make you feel absolutely NUTHIN.  As somebody put it to me…”takes the edge off of life.”  Sho nuff.

Speaking of Michael English, I hear he’s back with the Gaither Vocal Band, as are Mark Lowry and David Phelps.  YAY!  I’m proud of Michael for getting his junk together.  I think he’s fabulous. 

I’m still pretty sore and now that the main swelling has subsided, the Endo wasn’t kidding when he said they put a “Post” in my gum.  It’s like one of those pegs thats in those games at the Cracker Barrel sticking out of my gum. I’m talking the thick end.  It’s weird.  So now I’ve gotta wait a week or two and get the temporary crown.  Egad.

Whilst under the influence the other night, I woke up and found this show on PBS.  I’ve been recording the series on DVR…coupled with the drugs, the late hour and the funny-ness of it all, I was laughing my ass off at this stuff. So my Feel Good Friday contribution will have to include some Redd Foxx and Groucho Marx.

The All American Family Celebrates Christmas

Christmas morning has been good.  I was a little worried about the kids and how everything would be for them beings this is the first Christmas Post-Transition.  It has been lovely, actually.  The Three Kids spent last evening and night with me.  Their Dad came this morning to watch the Santa-Palooza and then I fixed breakfast. 

We were sitting down to eat and Tara started singing “Do You Hear What I Hear” and #2 echoed her with “Tara- would-you- shut- up?”   HAHAHAHHAHAHA

More pictures over there on the Flickr of the Smiffs putting the FUN in “DysFUNCtional Family Christmas. 

Hope that wherever you are, Christmas is lovely.

I would kinda like to be here right now.  How fun would it be to go iceskating in Central Park on Christmas Day? 

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

Christmas Past

I have posted this Christmas picture before, but, it’s so funny (to me anyway) I have to post it again and since we are celebrating my mother on her birthday, and since there is no threat that she’ll actually see this (computers ARE of the devil, of course) I can just post it and be amused.

christmas_at_the_collie_s

This would have been Christmas about 1972.  I am three, the Sister would have just turned 6.  I am the one in that strikingly lovely yellow gown while the Sister is decked out in the blue.  Our mother is the rather tired looking lady in the pink robe (one of my earliest memories of my mother is her in that robe).

One’s attention is obviously first turned to Mom’s hair in this picture.   It sorta has a life of its own, doesn’t it?  I guarantee you, if she were to be looking at this picture right now, she’d say “See? I used to have a lot of hair!” 

That said, Mom likes her coffee.  And her Marlblies.  I figured she hadn’t had a chance to partake in either of the aforementioned things by the time this picture was snapped (no doubt, the sun was not up yet).  However, upon closer inspection….to her right, you will notice there is an ashtray under the tree.  I don’t think Sanny Claus brung Barbara a new ashtray for Christmas. 

This is the sorta thing that in 2008, would cause a mother to be arrested…and scathing news lead in stories of “Mother Caught Smoking Under Christmas Tree”….smoking in the house AND next to the Christmas tree!  Yeah, yeah, it was a fake tree  (complete with fake snow!) and because I always remember noticing the box said the tree was “Flame Retardant” (always bringing giggles that our Christmas tree was retarded. Heh heh), there was no threat of the tree going up in flames but SMOKING UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING???   You might be a redneck….

Other notable notes from this photo that could be so easily overlooked by Barbara’s uncoiffed coif….notice the lamp in the back?  That was a lamp attached to the table and the base was a horse head.  I can still remember the sound that silver thing would make (it moved.)  As ugly as that thing is, I’d give a lotta money to have it now.  Talk about a good conversation piece! 

The Lincoln Logs….and what is that we’re holding up? 

And the globe….no doubt we had driven the Parents nuts asking for one.  We were so curious about Geography at this point.  “Insatiable curiosit”  of the world around us, is how teachers were always heard to describe us.  Just couldn’t get enough.

I didn’t know exactly where North Dakota was, geographically until the Manchild was about 7 and was obsessed with the Weather and I figured out where it was by a weather map.

Shut up…I was busy soaking up lots of important, useful trivia on country music and old movie stars.

Facebook, How I Love Thee

I’m all up in this Facebook thing, right? Every week, I’m running across yet another kid that i remember little details about that they don’t even remember themselves.  It’s a fun way to waste time.

I was chatting on the FB chatter thingy with my longtime peep, the infamous Murrey Gropp.  (Murrey, you need to start a blog…I mean, serrusly) Murrey was telling about his prom date.  I wanted more details so ol’ Mur’ rings me up and we had us a little reunion ala TMobile.  I guess we talked for an hour. 

 Oh gosh, Murrey had me howling talking about this kid and that one but the funniest story…he was talking about this particular kid we grew up with.  He asked if I knew where Kid was.  I said I didn’t, HOWEVER, I had been talking to his big sis on Facebook.  (Said Kid’s identity will remain anonymous to protect the…innocent…or something like that). 

I told Murrey that Said Kid’s dad had passed away some years ago and he told of how he and Kid used to hang out a lot and when he was real young, he’d spend the night over there.  Kid’s dad apparently had a penchant for Vodka and water and would get loaded and talk to the boys like they was hanging out in a truckstop.  He’d call them “Little F#$%ers.”

So maybe thats not “funny” but then, it is hilarious to me.  My parents never did nothing funny like that.  All my dad did was play “Auld Lang Syne” on this trumpet on New Year’s and “Stars and Stripes Forever” on the 4th of July.  I’m glad he didnt get intoxicated and cuss at my friends. 

I ran across this picture on the profile of another former Brentwood Bruin and I hope he doesn’t mind me putting it up here….totally made me laugh very loudly and be amused.

n1626840900_1967

I’m so jealous.  I want a picture like Robby’s got!

I Think She Likes It

Co-worker flies into my office yesterday afternoon, out of the blue (remember, I don’t know these people that well yet and I don’t know her very well)   She appears at my door and this woman (about 50ish) who I thought was very reserved and took herself very seriously says:

“That car is f$*@#ing AWESOME.” 

After all the years I worked at the Baptist Place, I forget that kinda talk can be said freely at most other places.  She didn’t whisper it or mumble it….said it out loud.  Loved it. 

Make no mistake…the folks at the Baptist Place said it…often.  They just whispered it. 

Something TOTALLY unrelated and random…I was watching that movie Failure To Launch last night with Matthew (Yum) McConahey (how do you spell his name? Who cares?)   I’ve seen it before but that Terry Bradshaw….I think he’s one of the funniest people around.  Obviously, he plays himself pretty much in that movie but my gosh….I laughed so hard at him I thought I was gonna pee my britches.

Match Game

So Dara, my wonderfully twisted co-worker (and next door office neighbor) told me the funniest story I heard all week.

Dara was married for a lotta years. Got divorced. Now, I’m not sure when this happened, but, at some point, she got on Match.com.

Guess who one of her matches was?

Her ex-husband. HAHHAHHAHAHA! He didn’t think it was funny.

I love that story.

A Wack ‘O Ouis-ah

The DQ went to see Steel Magnolias at our local community theater last night.  Came home wanting to watch the movie. 

Now, I’ve seen this movie about 1800 times.  I can recite the dang thing verbatim.  I haven’t seen SM in a good while til we watched it on OnDemand just now.

Dadgum…when Shelby dies and all that and the graveyard scene?  Still makes me bawl and then bust out laughing.

Random Saturday-Ness

I thoroughly enjoyed having a house full of giggly girls at my house last night.  I’ve known most of them since they were little and the other two girls, Kelsey and Morgan, are just two of the sweetest kids around.  I’m glad the DQ has some good friends like them.
When the Manchild was younger, he loved that show Courage The Cowardly Dog on Cartoon Network.  I remember one time he was watching it and he was saying “Mom, you have to see this” and I was all “Oh puh-leeeeaze” but I watched it anyway to humor my kid.  I ended up nearly wetting my pants laughing cause that is one funny show. (It was the one where the goose fell in love with Muriel). 

I hadn’t seen Courage in ages until today.  #2 was watching it and I swear, Courage and Eustis were just plain killin’ me.

I can’t profess the same affection for Cartoon Network’s Total Drama Island.  That show makes me curse.

Ricky Gervais was on Letterman last night.  Ricky and the Gentleman Formerly Known As My Boss remind me a ton of each other.  ‘Cept the GFKAMB isn’t British.  Ricky G. is a funny man.  The GFKAMB is also a funny man.  I’m not sure what it is but, yeah. (That phrase sounds like something the Drama Queen would say…but yaaah)

I for real thought that Gary Tuchman was gonna die live on television last night trying to show us just how powerful Hurricane Ike’s winds were.  I bet Anderson Cooper would be really pissed off if somebody else dies live on the air before he does.  I did think millions of people were gonna witness ol’ Gar’ getting his arse blowed to Glow-ry right there in front of our eyes though.

I texted Cuzzin Sharon in Houston to see if she had evacuated and she hadn’t.  She texted me early this morning and said that she had the windows open and she was reading a book and sorta enjoying the whole thing.  The funny thing is I remember when Hurricane Alicia hit Houston back in the early 80’s, Sharon telling of sitting on her back porch, reading a book.  I’ve never known Cuzzin Sharon to be without a book.

 I should start reading again. I used to read a lot but somewhere along the turn of the century, my ability to sit down and read a book went out the window.  I mean, I can still read but, I got to where I would skim through and not really read stuff.  Maybe I should try again.  Donna was talking about some Henry David Thoreau book yesterday that sounded interesting.  Note to self….two words Library Card.

I didn’t do nary a thing today and it was really nice to do nary a thing.  I did get a haircut but I didn’t get cullah put on so it didn’t take long. I didn’t feel like I had something I needed to be doing and there was something about that that was just a good feeling.  I haven’t felt that in years and years.

It ocurred to me while I was out and about a little bit ago that I’m now residing in the same area I resided in when I first married in 1989.  This area has grown a bit but there are still things here that were here then, like the Kroger I used to go to as a newlywed and the laundromat we used to to go to before we had a washer and dryer.  Something about that is a little ironic.  Started my grown up life in this little area and it’s like the second round of my grown-up life is beginning in the same spot.  Kinda bizarre.  Not really, but, it gives me pause.

A Family Discussion

It always goes back to sex. Here in this short little clip, you will see my cousins Cindy, Vicki, Judi and my Aints Joy and Lady.   I’m the one doing the interviewing and wetting my pants laughing so hard. Do keep in mind that my Aint Joy is 88 years old and the “quiet, refined” Collie. There’s only one and she would be it.

Funny

My girl, Bev, my most fabulous co-worker who never ceases to make me laugh…told me the funniest thing yesterday. Y’all may not think it’s so funny but it kilt me.

Her daughter was babysitting a relative or friend or somebody, a little girl that’s not quite 2 years old. Now, if you’ve been around a little girl that age that’s articulate, you will appreciate the hilarity of what this child said.

The Not-Yet-Two Year Old looked at Beverly and said “My pocketbook is itchin’.” HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA I ain’t never heard it called that before.

Reminds me of the time when the Holy Tara was about that age. She was little bitty, not two years old. I was getting out of the shower and she toddled into where I was and said “Ewwwwwwwwwwww….cucky poo poo.”

Shhhhh….

We have this new guy up here in the office.  Young…23 years old.  He got hired in a pretty good job, especially for a kid just out of college.  He started last week.  Remember that.  Last week.

Dude shows up this morning….comes into my cube and shows me a note that says “Can you call Donna and see if she needs me to pick her up?”  I said “What’s wrong with your voice? You lose it or something?”

Then, he points to this sign on his person:

Now…lookie here…I don’t think we need to discriminate against our Gay and Lesbian bretheren and sisteren.  I am for real about that.   I hope that this observance today accomplishes what they want it to.  We don’t need to discriminate against nobody.  This is not the point.

He’s been here a week.  A week.  His job involves lots of talking.  I’m stunned that he actually thought he could come in here this morning and get away with that?  Especially since he and Donna have to go out and about and do official bidness. 

He came back over here a little later and wrote down “They told me I can not participate.  So I have laryngitis.”  I told him “I knew that wasn’t gonna fly.”

Now Donna….she is an RN.  She has seen and done everything.  She is slightly jaded and a lot cynical.  I so wish I coulda seen the look on her face when this guy communicated that he would not be speaking today.  HA and HA.  Even funnier, she has to spend the day in a car with the guy.   I bet she’s gonna talk a lot during that car ride.  About her baby chickens she’s fixing to get.  I wish there was a video surveillance camera in that vehicle to capture the hilarity that will surely ensue.

My prediction…before the day is out, he won’t have a job.  I’ll keep you posted.

Something else funny just overheard in my office by the RN that sits on the other side of me…”Well look..I have a drawer full of stomachs, diapraghms and cervixes.”   As if to say….”The sky is blue.” 

Didn’t none of this sorta stuff go on when I worked for the Baptists.

 

Clingin’ To The Ollllld Rugged Cross

I looked out the back window today to find my youngest child playing.  That’s not unusual.  He’s quite imaginative, that #2.  It took me a minute to realize just what he was playing…

He took two planks of wood and made hisself a cross.  Pretending he was being crucified.  I was trying to take these pictures without him seeing.  At one point, me and Tyler thought he was gonna pull a Peter and go the upside down route. 

The HT wasn’t home when the crucifixion took place.  We were telling her about it and we were talking about how hysterical it was and how many kids do you know that would play something like that. 

Me and my sister used to play church all the time and baptized each other many a time every summer in the swimming pool. 
The HT said…”That’s, like….weird…..”    May be, but, we didn’t have cable, video games, computers, blah, blah…we walked to school in 10 feet of snow barefoot (no we didn’t) and back in those days, we played and actually, like, used our imaginations.  We were some playing kids.  Serious play. 

The Collie Sisters did play us some Church now.   We’d take turns preaching, singing, all that.  I’m sure our sermons were some sorta powerful. 

We also used to…on all those long, tedious trips to various antique malls, furniture stores (our mother loved to go to furniture stores, yet, I don’t remember there always being new furniture purchased.  We had the same couch from the time I was in Kindergarten until after I married and moved away.  I guess that was her diversion.)  Anyhoo…we’d go along to these furniture store trips and we’d act like we were foreign and like we spoke Spanish or something.  The funny part to me is we actually thought we were fooling people.  This woulda been about the time this fabulous picture was taken…back when we often were dressed alike….I mean, look at that face….is that a face of a kid who had imagination?

And what color is that Dad had on?  We was stylin’.

I was pretty glad #2 provided a little comic relief today.  It was needed. 

Wait A Little Longer, Please Jesus

I’m sorta mad that I missed the Earthquake.  What aggravates the pee-waddlin’ outta me is the fact I missed it by about 30 minutes. 

Your Sista doesn’t sleep well, as a rule, and I had woke up about 2 and was awake til about 4 or so.  I miss all the good stuff.  Dangit.

The Holy Tara, on the otherhand, did not miss the EQ.  She felt it, thinking it was the Psycho Cats on her bed.  (She’s kinda like me about the cats).  The Boys and me…we’re bummed. 

What was funny to me was having my cousin in Southern California ask ME if I felt the earthquake.  I don’t know why, but, that struck me as funny.

The more I think about it though…had I felt it, I’da probably gotten scared that Jesus was on His way back.  Not scared…I’m not scared of Him showing up, but, I’m sure that would’ve been my first thought.  Like the first (and only) time I’ve ever seen the Aurora Borealis.  I can tell you exactly when that was. (Warning…Rainman alert)

April 14, 1981.  Now, I did not remember that date.  I looked it up.  I remember that was a Sunday night and we were at Gee and Geega’s house.  I remember exactly when it was cause it was the day the very first Space Shuttle went up.  We were on the first Spring Break we’d had in years cause we used to get snow back in the olden days around here. 

Linda Gossett came over from across the street and said “Come out here and look”…it was nighttime and the sky was pink-like.  I thought fo sho Jesus was about to come down to Derby Lane.  Here He comes.  I can remember that feeling of massive butterflies in my stomach, thinking Jesus was about to burst through the pink part of the sky.  He didn’t though.

For months and months after that, I was sure everytime I saw light reflected on the night sky that Jesus was a’comin.  Shut up…the Bible says to watch for Him.  I was just doing what the Bible says. 

Then, I got scared to death the next year when I saw this book at a friends house…”88 Reasons Why The Rapture Will Occur By 1988.”   Well…dadgumit…I would miss graduating from high school (which I did anyway) and I’d never get married, have kids.   I prayed and prayed Jesus would just hang on.  That song “Wait A Little Longer Please Jesus” rang through my head (with Carl Smith singing it, of course). 

Between you and me though…at that point, as the song says, my concern was not about getting a few more loved ones in, but, I wanted to grow up and drive and do fun stuff.  I didn’t know enough about sex or nothing at that point (and certainly that that was not a big deal) so it wasn’t that.  Just wait a little, Lord Jesus.

Now, I’ve grown up, I’ve learned a lot more about things of a Jesus nature and matured and I can say right ‘chere and now, I don’t worry about stuff like that no more. 

I used to get all freaked out (even after I married) if I passed that man and woman on the tv that have that show that’s about nothing but that…can’t think of their names now….yankees….I would get all scared.  No more.  He can come on back whenever He pleases. 

I came to notice that the TBN people would start picking dates and stuff just about the time they were having a telethon to raise money.  Funny how that is.