Biscuit and Mustard Time

They’re showing Sling Blade on OnDemand right now on the Encore channel.  What a great movie.  Dwight Yoakam should’ve gotten at least and Oscar nomination for his role as the verbally abusive Doyle  Hargraves.  John Ritter was brilliant as Vaughn, too.  Both of those guys were so good, you forgot you were watching Jack Tripper and Mr. Guitars, Cadillacs. 

Tim McGraw thinks he’s a country singer that can act? Pshhht.

School of Cash?

They are building a new elementary school in my area, that #2 will eventually go to.  They are discussing what to name the school and there are some interesting possibilities….Station Camp, which is the name of the high school that will be next door and the roads surrounding the school. It makes sense, but, I think it’s kinda blah. 

Another possibility is naming it Durham Elementary School after a noted Sumner County historian.  Bleh.  The Durhams name is on just about everything in Hendersonville and they have more money than God. 

There’s a few other names of people you would not recognize, but, one name you would…dig if you will, the possibility of Johnny Cash Elementary School….I kinda like his given name better….”John R. Cash Elementary School.”  #2 absolutely loves Johnny Cash and he would be absolutely proud as punch to say he went to Cash Elementary.  How cool would that be?  What could the mascot be?  The possibilities are endless. 

I bet they won’t do anything so cool though. 

Grocery Rantin’

This may come as a shock to some, but, the woman that does the voice on the Self Checkout computer at Kroger is also the voice of the Self Checkout at Publix.  I wonder if the Kroger people are aware of this?

It’s a different voice on the Wal Mart Self Check Out.  I like that one better anyway cause the Kroger one is so damn picky.  The Kroger  one is so contrary about how and when you put your item in the bag.  Wal Mart doesn’t care if you bag it or not.  Like, if you have a pack of gum, it doesn’t weigh hardly anything and the computer at Kroger doesn’t pick up when you put it in the bag, then it says “Wait for the attendant.”  Psssht.  I don’t have time for that.  If I’d have wanted to take lots of extra time, I’d have gone through the regular line and listened to the teen cashiers converse with the teen bag boys.  Gah.

Friday Funnies

Get your Depends on.

I wish they’d have put the clip in here that had Tim Conway as the dentist that accidentally put the novacaine shot in his hand. This stuff cracks me up.

Birds Gone Wild

Perhaps it’s because the last decade or so of springs, I’ve been cooped up in various Cubelands of Downtown Nashville and before that, I was knee deep in looking after little chilren and I never stopped to notice…but…my lord…everytime I walk outside the last couple days, all I’ve seen is birds doing the Wild Thing.  I’ve seen those big ol black birds showing off their massive wingspans, trying to impress the girl big ol black birds, I’ve seen little finches going wild with each other…cardinals and blue jays chasing each other.  EVERY SINGLE time I look outside or go outside. 

Maybe my yard is the hot bachelor pad for the birds cause I’ve got some great birdseed and it’s the hotspot for Bird Dating.  It’s like they’re saying “Hey baby…I know this great yard down the street…Mixed Songbird Variety…how ’bout it?”  I had just plain sunflower seeds up until earlier this week.  That’s got to be it.

Through Prayer and Petition With Thanksgiving

Newscoma tells of a rather heartless email she received regarding why she writes about her experiences with cancer.  Anytime she writes about losing her mother and the journey they took through her illness, I relate to how it affected our own family when my father dealt with prostate  for 9 years before he died in 1992

I found out my dad had cancer in an elevator at St. Thomas Hospital when I was in 8th grade.  Not knowing how to deal with the possibility of having to raise two teenage daughters alone, I’m sure she was quite freaked out at the time.  I remember having kinda the same reaction NC had…just being kinda numb.  We were fortunate that we had my dad until February of 1992.  Initially, he was given 3 years tops, but, made it to 9 years.  Not bad.

In the years since then, I’ve seen a lot of people I know either through work, church, neighbors, parents of my kids classmates, and others who have bravely fought cancer. 

It has hit our family a little closer this time, with my mother in law getting news that she is facing her own bout with cancer.  We are pretty hopeful because the kind she has has a very good cure rate so we’re thinking positive thoughts and trusting that whatever the outcome, God is in control and will give her and the rest of us whatever is needed to face whatever the outcome is. Every one of us in the Smiff Clan believe what Phillippians 4:6 says:

Don’t worry about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” 

I know lots of y’all that read this believe in God and in the power of prayer and will pray for Hazel.  She will be getting the very best medical care Nashville has to offer in this particular area of medicine.  She will, we know for sure, be facing major surgery and from then, we aren’t sure.  Her own mother, our beloved Granny Boone, had this same cancer in her 80’s and ended up living to be 92, dying of old age.  We expect Hazel to follow the same path.

Regarding Dancing With The Stars…

I love it.  It makes me want to go dance with Dr. Ming Wang.  Really.  I want to learn the Quick Step.

Thing is, though, it seems to me that a hit show such as DWTS could hire better vocalists to sing with the band.  Who are those people? They are awful!

I’m still waiting for Heather Mills’ laig to fall off right there on live teevee.  Laila Ali is a goddess…John Ratzenberger is a good dancer…Clyde Drexler and Billy Ray Cyrus aren’t…but, it’s a fun little show and a whole lot more interesting than the Sanjaya Show on the other channel. 

Smiff General Hospital-Part Deux

I have received permission from the Mother in Law to tell one of the funny stories from yesterday after her surgery.  She said I could tell it “Cause it’s funny.”

After Hazel had been in the recovery room for a bit, the nurse came to ready her to go home.  (I have to say again how thankful we are that everything went so beautifully).  The nurse recognized Hazel from her Ellen appearances and was asking her about the cheeseburgers she made on there.  She asked us to leave for a minute because she had to do some things that were of a rather personal nature. 

While we were standing outside, Hazel’s preacher and the associate preacher came by.  (I guess other denominations do this, I know the Methodists do, but, Baptists go see their flock when they’re ill or infirmed and that’s good).  Now, Brother Glenn is not one familiar with what Hazel does.  He’s not into country music at all.  He strikes me as a rather serious dude who takes his pastoring very seriously.  He seems to have a decent sense of humor, but, I doubt very seriously you’d ever hear a string of colorful words fly out of his mouth, even in moments of peril. 

Brother Herb is an older gentleman who is everything warm and fuzzy I am reminded of when I think of my denomination.  He’s a very kind, soft spoken, caring guy that I bet gives the little ones at church gum every Sunday.  (Every Baptist church has one of those guys.  It’s Mr. Wayne at mine, but, actually, he gives peppermints.)  Bro. Herb has shown up more than once to family hospital stays and other occasions.  He’s a good man.  People who think all men in the Southern Baptist Convention are pigs who hate women, have never met Bro. Herb. 

Anyway, so we’re standing out in the hall with the Parsons.  Niece Smiff, who is almost two, her father, her grown brother, Mr. Smiff and me…doing the small talk regime you do in situations like that.  Everybody’s watching little Mattie and making comments you make when there’s a toddler toddling about:  “I wish I had her energy”, “She’s busy, isn’t she?”  That sorta thing. 

Suddenly, the door opens and I couldn’t see Hazel so I didn’t go back in the room for fear of being mooned or something.  Mr. Smiff went in (he’s used to surprises with her, I guess).  I then hear my husband so “OH MY GOSH!”  My thoughts ran rampant.  I figured it had something to do with the Holy Temple we call our bodies. 

I’ve been Hazel’s daughter in law for almost 18 years.  I was present in 1997 when they brought her to her hospital room after her heart attack.  The Manchild was then 5 years old.  He was sitting in the corner of the room, facing the bed, when they sat his grandmother on the bed, with her regulation, hospital gown, NOT TIED in the back.  I knew what he was seeing.  Bless him, he said not a word, but, cupped his hands around his mouth and did his notorious Biff Collie Grin and was stifling laughter at being mooned by Grandma.  There are many stories about Hazel in the hospital or sick situations, so I figured Mr. Smiff musta gotten the moon.  I had already her say “The preachas are here.  I got to put my teeth in.”

The reason Mr. Smiff was slightly concerned was because as the nurse was helping Hazel get dressed she announced, loudly, “MY TITTIE IS STUCK TO MY STOMACH!”  I did not hear these now famous words, but, my brother in law (who was standing outside the door WITH the Preacher Men) heard it loud and clear and he’s quite sure that they heard it, too.  Of course, they are far too professional and dignified to crack up on the scene, but, I bet they had a good belly laugh over that once they got in the car. The medical people had actually taped the bosom down cause Hazel is well endowed, y’know.

That’ll teach them to go pray with Hazel Smith immediately following Girlie Surgery!  When one goes to see her in the hospital or when she isn’t expecting you, is bound to be in for a dandy surprise.

Poor Wynonna

Turns Turns out the guy she thought was her knight in shining armor….wasn’t so shiny afterall.  It’s really sad.   Say a prayer for her. 

I’ve always felt a teeny bond with Wynonna.  I guess it’s because I remember them before they were famous.  I remember the Judd girls from school and church, but, I have always felt bad for them.  Their crazy mother robbed them of a normal upbringing and they’ve suffered through their adult lives because of it.  I really feel sad for her about this.

The Gooey Butter Cake That Almost Wasn’t

We have discussed here the glories of Paula Deen’s Pumpkin Gooey Butter Cake before.  I have finally made another flavor of said Gooey Cake and am here to tell you that it is dangerously good.  I made the Peanut Butter Gooey Butter Cake yesterday and all of the Smiffs (and extended ones) said “Yes” to it.   It sorta reminds one of a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. 

I have to tell of how the cake almost was a disaster.  And just like Busy Mom says, I do these things so you don’t have to.  I was cooking for the Mother In Law yesterday cause she was something of an in-valid yesterday and I was about to fix this cake.  I was going along fixing the thing, admiring how good it looked.  I poured the filling on top of the cake and the color was so peanut buttery and yummy looking.  I was high fiving myself all the while and I went to lick the spoon and it tasted like styrofoam.  WTF?  At that moment, I looked up and saw the box of powdered sugar that I had neglected to whip into the filling.  Duh.

I took the filling off and put back into the bowl, cursing myself and I opened the powdered sugar and had an explosion of confectioners sugar all over Hazel’s floor.  (Unlike mine, Hazel’s kitchen floor is clean enough to perform surgery on and has probably never had as much crap on it as it did yesterday)  I had powdered sugar all over my person.  It was cute.  I’m glad nobody saw it happen. 

It all turned out ok and that cake is something else.  You should make it.

Smiff General Hospital

Hazel came through her procedure totally by the book.  She was home by a little after 11 and so far has had no problems or complications.  It was one of those female sorts of procedures.  When she was in the recovery room, the nurse handed me the instruction sheet that tells what to watch for and all do’s and don’ts post-surgery. 

I got to looking at the sheet and I told my nephew, who is almost 23 and had chauffuered his grandmother to the hospital and back that per doctors orders that Hazel was NOT allowed to have sex or consume alcohol and that we’d have to keep an eye on her the next few days.  We’d have to shoo all those young guys who show up at her door away until she’s healed up.

Something else hysterical happened in the recovery room and I better not tell it until I ask her permission.  I will tell you this…it involved preachers and body parts and it was FUNNY. Use your imagination.

A Living Stone

I think the next time I get a dog, I will name him “Barf.” Mr. Smiff has always wanted to name a dog “Quats” so he could say “Come Quats.”  Guess what movie we’ve been watching a lot this weekend on OnDemand?

The Mother In Lar is having some surgery in the morning.  She would appreciate a little prayer from anybody willing to pray one.  It’s not expected to be a major thing and I’m sure everything will be hunky dory once it’s done.  At the same time, anytime they knock you out and take a knife to your person it’s not minor. It’s an outpatient thing and if all goes well, she should be back home by lunchtime. 

I have totally blown NutriSystem.  This is why I can’t ever overindulge when dieting because I have a horrible time getting back on the wagon. 

The pollen is getting to us.  #2 has had such issues with it, he ran a fever.  He loves “The Orange Stuff” and that helps.  I love springtime and love seeing everything blooming, but, man, it’s killing my nose.

I have 7 more days at home before I have to be a regular person and work again.  I have mixed feelings about this.

I have a new favorite passage although it’s one I’ve read a million times, it spoke to me differently today:

“So rid yourselves of all wickedness, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all slander.  Like newborn infants, desire the unadulterated spiritual milk so that you may grow by it since you have tasted that the Lord is good.  Coming to Him, a living stone-rejected by men but chosen and valauble to God. You yourselves are being built into a spiritual house for a holy priesthood to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.  1 Peter 2:1-5

No It Di-Int

I’ve had so many hot flashes the last month, it’s prompted to do a search on Early Menopause.  There’s other things that lead me to think I’m going to have to talk to the dockta about it.   I swear, if I have this, I’m going to be pissed off.

Cary Grant & Deborah Kerr?

Ha…no…it’s Gastrica and The Engineer high atop the Empire State Building.  When I showed this to #2, he wanted to know if they dropped a coin off the top and relayed an episode of “The Family Guy” where Peter dropped a coin off and killed a policeman.  I doubt these two would do something like that.  I’d be tempted to spit myself. 

She won front row tickets to a show starring Georgia Engle.  That is just so wrong.  Yes, I have sibling  issues regarding this sort of thing, leave me alone.  I do love me some Broadway musicals, now.

Oprah & Gayle

I’ve been watching the reruns this week of Oprah and Gayle’s Roadtrip…where they drove last summer from Los Angeles to New York.  It’s really pretty neat.  Makes me want to pack up the ol’ Chevrolet and grab a pal and see the USA in a Chevrolet, until I remember that she’s Oprah and has a crew of something like 20 traveling with her and she can stop on the way at, say, Graceland, and get a personal tour from Lisa Marie.  It becomes a little less romantic then.  It is kinda funny seeing Oprah pump gas for the first time in over 20 years.  Can you imagine??

The thought kept ocurring to me when watching this for a second time that Gayle is a celebrity solely for the fact that she’s Oprah’s best friend.  She is on Oprah’s payroll, runs the magazine or something…has regular guest spots on national tv and probably on the XM channel, just cause she’s Oprah’s best friend.  Granted, she looks good on tv and comes across well and all that.  I guess if she were butt-ugly and had a bad stutter, we wouldn’t see Gayle like we do. 

Yet another deep thought by Sista.